Each of these dialogues was written with the voices of archetypal video game characters (shopkeepers, quest givers, heroes that have been recently thrown together etc.) They were not meant to be read in a linear fashion. Most of the tones found in these was influenced by the Borderlands series by Gearbox or the banter found in Naughty Dog's Uncharted Games.
Soooo...Your people. What are they like?
What do you want to know?
Any customs that would be helpful? You know, just thought I’d ask seeing as we’re Walking into their territory.
We sacrifice and ritually feast on the first intruder to step foot in our lands.
WHAT??
It’s a time honored tradition.
No, don’t stop walking, they’re watching and will lose respect for you if you show fear.
Well, I’m sure they can hold my lovely roasted corpse in great esteem.
If you stop shaking they might even salt your meat before they roast it.
Salt my...how is that better!?
Enhances the flavor.
For me. Better for me!
Oh, it’s not really. But you can get some satisfaction out of knowing that you’ll be delicious.
I promise you, I won’t.
Wait. Don’t tell me.
You don’t really do that.
You thought I left a place where it was traditional to eat the first person to return alone?
What kind of idiot do you think I am?
I assumed you would, oh I don’t know, go find someone else and not tell them about the whole eating thing until
it was too late like you were doing!
Oh, no, I’d never do that. Besides, I wouldn’t’ve told you if that was the plan.
So you would have hypothetically led me to my own ritualized death without a second thought.
Who said anything about hypothetically?
THAT’S NOT FUNNY.
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So why is this place called the malpractice?
You don’t want to know.
On a side note, why does the next shop sell coffins?
To make things easier for customers, I expect.
I really hate you.
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Oh, so you’re the heroes who’ve been tracking me down. Have to say, huge fan. I mean, what you’ve done with the doomsday device I made? Masterful. Really nice work there. Ooooh, before we fight, can I get an autograph? I know it’s weird, but you’re the only ones who’ve made it this far and I really want to have something to remember you by. Well, something more than the blood splatters. No? Well, suit yourselves. Not like I was trying to compliment you or anything.
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Hey, if you die on this mission, can I have your loot? It’s just, I have this stall to run. I gotta be here when someone shows up. Not that anyone’s shown up, besides you. But I have to be here in case they do. Like I was for you. If I was out adventuring what would you’ve done? This is why people like you and people like me need each other. You go out there and risk your life. I follow behind when I can sneak away for lunch and take things from your lifeless corpse. It’s the perfect business deal. You won’t imagine the amount of bodies I searched for all this stuff!
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Okay so you’ve finished that meaningle...uh, haha, I mean super important quest I had you do. What next? I could...uhhh...Oh! Okay so there’s this house a few towns over that really could be burnt to smithereens. Wait, that’s arson uhhhh, I can’t ask you to do that. But if that house conveniently got set on fire, I won’t tell anyone. Oh, you’re going? Well, okay. Stop by? Please?
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Is okay. I fix. Make everything good as new.
I don’t want to be made new. Please don’t let her make me new.
Hey, calm down, it’s just an expression.
No is not. This robot very damaged.
What!?
Well, can you salvage any of him?
Any of me? I want all of me!
Maybe thirty percent?
Thirty percent?
Are you sure that’s all?
Thirty percent...thirty per-I don’t feel so good.
Yes. We know. Is why fix.
Oh, sorry did I say not good? I meant, I feel fine.
Woah, hey, no. You’re malfunctioning.
He says he’s fine.
But his arm’s coming off!
So? he doesn’t want, he doesn’t need.
Okay, let’s go.
No, we are staying here and you are getting fixed.
Is probably best solution.
But I don’t want to-
And I hear that. But for the good of everyone, I’m ignoring it.
When I wake up we will have words about this.
Good to know.
Sleep time robot.
You can make sure he forgets that, yeah?
Oh yes. Do it all the time.
Okay, okay. Cool.
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We’re not dead.
Yes.
We crashed.
Yes.
And we’re not dead.
.
.
HOW ARE WE NOT DEAD?
*shrug*
Got lucky.
WE’RE NOT THAT LUCKY-wait, how’re you this calm about this?
You get used to it.
You get used to-
You don’t get used to plane crashes.
You do if you’re me.
Exactly how many have you been in?
Twelve.
Twelv-twelve!
Yeah, it’s what I said.
And all of them have been because of luck!?
Yup.
Are you immortal!?
Nope.
How do you know?
I’ve died.
What!? You’ve died? When? How? You…
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I’m sorry, did I hear that right? You want me to…
Yeah.
All the way up....
Yeah?
On my own?
I don’t see what the problem is here.
Of course you don’t. Okay, how do I put this. You know how you’re a parkour badass who probably doesn’t even think it’s weird that you can fire a gun and pull off a dyno while on a frozen cliff face in Russia?
Poland.
See this is exactly my point. You think it’s weirder that I got the location wrong and not that you did that in the first place.
Hey Sarah, any idea why he's freaking out?
Don’t ask me. He’s already given me this talk. Apparently jumping off a horse and onto a speeding train is something that ‘only happens in movies.’
It is! Horses do not run that fast and the change in momentum...how do you even hold on!?
Very grippy fingers.
A lot of adrenaline.
Okay, you two are freaks of nature. I get that.
But I’M NOT. I mean just...look at me! I have noodle arms. Noodle. Arms. The last time we went climbing and people were shooting at us, you had to fireman carry me up the mountain. Which I’m still not okay with by the way.
You were going to be shot.
Yes. Thank you. I’m aware of that.
I still don’t see what the point is here.
The point is me.
You two can do that. You probably do this for fun on your off days.
We do not have “off days.”
Of course you don't. Whatever. Look, I can’t do the things you do on a normal day. So you gotta change up the plan so that I can actually do something within my skill set.
Honestly, there’s no time.
I need to go to the facility because there will be guards there. Lots of them.
And I need to deal with the bomb; it tends to explode if you breathe at the wrong time.
Can you hold your breath for seven minutes?
You know what? Falling to my death from three thousand feet sounds like a wonderful idea. I’m totally game for the cliff. You go have fun getting blown up or something.
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